Wanted: advice on calming bedtime fears
I’ve got an issue with my 4 year old daughter that I need help with. The past few weeks she has been terrified of being alone in her bed at night. She is the only child who has had this problem, so I don’t have any previous experience dealing with it. Her fear has gotten so bad that I dread putting her to bed because I know what will follow: lots and lots of screaming.
She will not go to sleep easily unless I sleep in her bed or she sleeps in mine, which I just will not do every night because I believe in kids and parents having their own beds. I make exceptions, of course, when one of my kids is sick. In this case what makes things even more complicated is that she can’t tell me what’s wrong because of her severe speech apraxia, so I have to ask her questions about what is upsetting her. When I asked her if she is scared, she nodded yes. When I asked her to point at what is scared of, she pointed to the window. That made me wonder if she had nightmares from my son’s movie Monster House. Since I learned that, my son isn’t allowed to watch that movie around Little Miss Throwsafit.
My daughter has a pretty paper flower lamp on her dresser that I didn’t have a bulb for, so tonight I rummaged around and found one for her so she could have it at night. That made her happy for a while, but then she began to whimper when it was time for me to leave her room. I rubbed her head for a while hoping it would relax her and told her in a soothing voice that there was nothing to be scared of because she was surrounded by her dolls and stuffed animals. I reminded her that her big brother was just across the hall. I even went to far as to give her a 1/2 teaspoon of Chilren’s Benadryl hoping that would make her drowsy. After 15 minutes, she was still wide awake and on edge about my leaving.
When I finally told her it was time for her to go to sleep, she again started crying. To keep her from going into a full blown melt down, I said I would sit in her room with her for a few minutes. I got my Kindle and settled myself into her beanbag to read. She was happy as she sat up in bed (she refused to lay down) and played with her dolls. I saw that periodically she would make sure I was still there by peaking over her bed rail.
Five minutes later, I said it was time for bed. I kissed her on her forehead, told her I love her, and left the room. I was about half way down the stairs when her crying began. Instead of going back in, I grabbed my pajamas and went into the bathroom to wash my face and change. I could still hear her crying “Mama! Mama!” over the sound of water rushing from the bathroom sink. Nonetheless, I knew I couldn’t go in again because it would just perpetuate her crying and screaming fits. By the time I came out of the bathroom, she was quiet.
So, did I do the right thing? Did I try to comfort her too much or not enough? I’d love to hear from other moms who have dealt with this issue.
I’m only a step-mom, but what has worked for me when one of the boys is scared is singing the song “Jesus Loves Me”…it’s soothing it seems to children (my mom also did this for me:), and then we would say a prayer. I will start out the prayer and then ask them to add to it. During school even though it has been only 1st grade stuff even being scared of a spelling test has kept my youngest step-son up…as soon as we pray he seems at peace. My other step-son is scared of storms…we pray about that as well. It does seem to help. You can actually see their bodies relax. I do think you did the right thing about not going in to her her room though overall. I know we always want to protect and make “our babies” feel safe and comfortable, but going in doesn’t solve the issue because they will just rely on us only and not ultimately help them move past their fears. It might not happen overnight, but I do know it will work!
You’re doing great! 
Comment by Sarah — July 17, 2009 @ 8:11 am
Oh Kim, you are doing great! It’s so hard. I probably have no advice since I cave and let Molly climb in with us. And after Leo being gone for nine months, I let her sleep with me. I know. So bad!
I did see this whole episode on Super Nanny (don’t laugh!) about a kid that wouldn’t stay in his room. She suggested the parent lie on the floor for the first couple nights until the child is asleep. Then go from that to sitting on a little chair next to their bed for a few nights. For this particular kid, it worked and the kid got the idea.
She might just be having reservations — especially since that movie is a bit scarry. Is her window completely covered? I’d make the window as dark as possible and then give her a pretty nightlight. You’re definitely on the right track!
Hang in there! It’ll get better.
Comment by Kim H. — July 17, 2009 @ 11:22 am
That’s a really good idea, Kim. I will probably do something similar tonight where I sit on her beanbag again and read for a few minutes until she’s settled in. That seemed to work last night. She cried when I left, but not for long.
Comment by Kim — July 17, 2009 @ 12:57 pm
Sarah, what a really sweet idea. I should do that tonight. I bet that would calm and relax her well.
Comment by Kim — July 17, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
Hey Kim, Neither of my children are consistant cryers but there are times. spencer does have a night light which helps. But when we have nightmares I go with three things. 1- prayer, that that child will know that God is always watching over them, that God would guard their hearts and minds an protect them. I ask my children to pray along, and eventhough LMT can’t speak well, God will know her heart, and understand every word. 2 – read the Bible, Psalms is amazingly comforting, I stick with psalms of praise (like 100 – 105) pick sections that speak of Gods love and protection. 3- Beethoven, seriously spencer loves moonlight sonata, but most of LvB’s songs are very methodical and therefore quite calming. Hope this helps.
Comment by janelle — July 17, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
Praying usually works for my kids, too. They relax and calm down. Quite a few of my kids have experienced this sudden fear at age 4 or 5. Not sure why…
Comment by Karin — July 17, 2009 @ 10:22 pm
Hey Kim: You are, in my opinion, doing the right thing. Lizzie pulled this on me at first too. I read the books, kissed her goodnite, as you do, left the room, and BAM! the games began. I did exactly what you did….LEFT. You know she isn’t going to die in there but she sure is smart enough to know what to do to get Mommy back. Go somewhere where you can’t hear her. She’ll do just what she did for you….calm down and go to sleep. Kids are sooooo smart!
Comment by Ann — July 21, 2009 @ 7:25 pm
Ever since I got a little tough with her and told her she was not allowed to keep the entire family up at night, she’s been quiet and has fallen asleep quickly.
Comment by Kim — July 21, 2009 @ 10:06 pm